Thursday, January 29, 2009

Proven Protection

This was a gift from my mom. On our last trip to Reno, as soon as we set foot in the house, she gave one to both Kris and I. Unbeknownst to us, or anyone else for that matter, our cell phones emit toxic and destructive forms of radiation and this patch, the size and shape of a Mentos, keeps this radiation from infiltrating your body and deteriorating your DNA. This is all carefully outlined with the help of graphs and piecharts on cards enclosed in the packaging. No one was more surprised than I that my mom actually spent money on, not ONE, but TWO of these patches for us to paste to the back of our mobiles. It is very likely she wears an aluminum foil helmet while surfing the Internet.
After a close and forensic examination, the patch designed to keep the toxins at bay turned out to be a sticker that would probably fall off after about two seconds of riding around in my purse. My mom insisted their legitimacy and showed us her collection of patches on almost every appliance in her home, talking about circuitry, filters, and reduced sperm count. After listening to all the horrors that will inevitably befall all cell phone users of the World we graciously declined such a gift and figured if 98% of the Earth was scheduled to die from cell phone radiation we wanted to be a part of that. Our safe space patches now live in our junk drawer and seem to be working very well, indeed, keeping all the gamma rays away from our matchbooks, dog leashes, and random reciepts.
Needless to say, our radiation-addled bodies seem to be doing just fine.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Movie Nite: 1989

We made it about 8 minutes into The Goonies before my mom hastily shut it off after Data breaks the penis off Michealangelo's David and Chunk fails to reattach it correctly.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

My Adopted Family

I found this photo in a box marked "Instant Relatives" at one of my favorite antique shops and thought they looked like they needed a good home. I doubt one day pictures of me will end up for sale in a dusty shoebox somewhere, they lack that grainy and charming quality of black and whites from the Twenties. On the offchance they do, I'd like to apologize in advance to the youth of the future flipping through those mouldering pictures and being confronted with my pasty, pimpled face from 8th grade staring back.

Monday, January 19, 2009


Last week I...

Locked my keys in my car for the very first time EVER.

Dropped my camera and broke something in the lens.

Replaced my morning cup of tea with a glass of grapefruit juice.

Started taking a diuretic (as if I didn't pee enough already).

Bought 24 pingpong balls.

Learned how to Olly.


Had my ass grabbed by a complete stranger.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Shout Out

This is for the girl at Colfax and Perry that was running to cross the street and found herself flat on her back when she slipped on the ice covering the sidewalk, and instead of bouncing back up and pretending it didn't happen she threw back her head and laughed.

Monday, January 12, 2009

First Gear

This was what my commute looked like this morning. On a good day it takes me about 7 minutes to get to 6th Avenue. Today it took me 48 minutes. I'm sure I broke a number of laws when it comes to operating a camera while driving in some of the worst winter conditions of the year but I figured my speed at this precise moment was exactly 4 mph and not much else was going on. So why not?

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Total Fitness and Then Some

It's been a while since I frequented the local gym but as one of my resolutions this year is to work out more often and eat healthier I find myself inside its fetid walls three days a week. Here are just a few of the reasons I hate going to the gym:

1. Turning the corner into the locker room and being confronted with a woman the exact size and shape of the Michelin Man. Naked.

2. Having an overenthusiastic gym member sing "Back in the Saddle Again" at a volume that could be heard by all the hicks living in the backwoods of Kentucky. She sounded like a tone-deaf troll with a sinus infection.

3. People who fail to wipe up after themselves. I don't enjoy putting my face anywhere near that oil slick you left on the equipment before I got there.

4. Men who grunt, groan and wail while lifting. It just makes it even more apparent how out of shape you really are.

5. The fact that I have to climb TWO flights of stairs to even get to the gym. I figure if I drag my ass there at 5 a.m. the least they could do is have it at ground level.

6. The terrible music they have blasting through all the speakers which includes an unholy amount of Lenny Kravitz. I've been tempted to just go home on the several occasions I have forgotten my iPod .

7. The smell.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Sketch: Geisha Nesting

Friday, January 2, 2009

A Touch of Sentiment

So the New Year has officially arrived, the holidays have come and gone, and I survived. I failed to get a family picture put together or Christmas cards sent but I think cards are terribly overrated. I'm working on putting together a fresh new masthead which should be posted sometime in March if my past blogging is any indication of my "follow through" skills. But overall I am feeling very blessed indeed to have such a wonderful husband, a fantastic family, and lovely friends. Our lives have never been so full and so rich! Excuse me while I shed a tear. Here's to the upcoming 365 days, may they be full of witty and cynical posts, appreciating the small and special moments, spending time with friends and family, and lots and lots of laughter. Side splitting, tear inducing, painful in a good way laughter! Happy 2009!