Total Fitness and Then Some

It's been a while since I frequented the local gym but as one of my resolutions this year is to work out more often and eat healthier I find myself inside its fetid walls three days a week. Here are just a few of the reasons I hate going to the gym:

1. Turning the corner into the locker room and being confronted with a woman the exact size and shape of the Michelin Man. Naked.

2. Having an overenthusiastic gym member sing "Back in the Saddle Again" at a volume that could be heard by all the hicks living in the backwoods of Kentucky. She sounded like a tone-deaf troll with a sinus infection.

3. People who fail to wipe up after themselves. I don't enjoy putting my face anywhere near that oil slick you left on the equipment before I got there.

4. Men who grunt, groan and wail while lifting. It just makes it even more apparent how out of shape you really are.

5. The fact that I have to climb TWO flights of stairs to even get to the gym. I figure if I drag my ass there at 5 a.m. the least they could do is have it at ground level.

6. The terrible music they have blasting through all the speakers which includes an unholy amount of Lenny Kravitz. I've been tempted to just go home on the several occasions I have forgotten my iPod .

7. The smell.