Tuesday, December 23, 2008

A Christmas Miracle

It has been a full year, 365 days, since my last cold, flu, or illness of any kind. Now having said that I'm sure I will be struck with smallpox or the bubonic plague by this evening but, for now, I don't care because I can't remember ever having a "wellness" run that was this significant.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A Few of my Favorite Things

I simply love this time of year.eggnog.cookies.parties.bright colored packages tied up with string. If I had a voice like Julie Andrews, which I certainly DO NOT, I couldn't help but sing about it while twirling over the Swiss Alps.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Tidings of Comfort and Joy

Kris and I crashed a Christmas Party this weekend and it was so worth it because during one of those inevitable lulls in the conversation, when the room gets quiet and everyone catches their breath, one of the guests was caught off guard and said at a rather loud volume,

"You fucked me last night and it almost killed me."

and for ONCE that guest wasn't me.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Your Ad Here

I was cursed with bad skin.

After working my way through every cleanser, using a multitude of anitbiotics, burning creams and Accutane I was left with only a mild case of bad skin which means there are approximately 43 seconds out of the month where I have clear skin not counting the numerous pink spots reminding me that an enormous boil used to be there and will, in all likelihood, rear it's ugly whitehead at the most inconvenient time, like a wedding.

Because of my skin's sensitivity I usually avoid facials since their purpose is to draw the impurities OUT of the skin while I prefer to simply ignore their existence and go about in a constant state of anxiety regarding my pores. But I caved last week and scheduled an "Organic Facial" assuming that since organic is infinitely better than "processed" my skin would be pleased with my decision.

It turns out my skin could care less if a product is organic, homegrown, or free range and it would much rather erupt in the World's largest zits as a sign of it's displeasure. For the past week I've resembled a resident of a leper colony only the leprosy is confined to my face. I was half tempted to carry a bell with me and ring it whenever entering a public place to give any unfortunate person in the vicinity fair warning to run and hide.

The good news is that the size of the craters left in my face from such epic blemishes could possibly be rented out as storage or advertising space. At least for now I have a place to put all my spare change.

Monday, December 8, 2008

christmas card 08

copyright 2008 barstow

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Single Female Seeks Emotionally Sensitive Christian Man with BAGGAGE (preferrably Louis Vuitton)

My mom has found herself a new boyfriend...

...and so begins the vicious cycle that is my mom's relationships which have an uncanny resemblance to the lastest blockbuster trailer, promising the world with amazing special effects and delivering a burly turd. Between the overenthusiastic emails about skeet shooting with a 12 gauge shotgun and the gushing phonecalls where the word "soulmate" has never seen such frequency I can't help but feel apprehensive, waiting for the gigantic and uncomfortable shoe called REALITY to drop. At that point I will endure the numerous monologues relating how surprised she was that this latest version of a man in her life was less than perfect down to his last skin cell.

Somebody please shoot me.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

i can't say we'll ever go back

Kris and I tried a new restaurant last night. Rosemary's Cafe on Sheridan. Overall it wasn't too bad, the service was excellent and the food was edible although the chicken fried steak Kris ordered had probably seen better days along with the steamed vegetables that practically dripped off the spoon and I could have done without the room-clearing farts that ensued. That new hole in the ozone? Kris is responsible.