Thursday, January 29, 2009

Proven Protection

This was a gift from my mom. On our last trip to Reno, as soon as we set foot in the house, she gave one to both Kris and I. Unbeknownst to us, or anyone else for that matter, our cell phones emit toxic and destructive forms of radiation and this patch, the size and shape of a Mentos, keeps this radiation from infiltrating your body and deteriorating your DNA. This is all carefully outlined with the help of graphs and piecharts on cards enclosed in the packaging. No one was more surprised than I that my mom actually spent money on, not ONE, but TWO of these patches for us to paste to the back of our mobiles. It is very likely she wears an aluminum foil helmet while surfing the Internet.
After a close and forensic examination, the patch designed to keep the toxins at bay turned out to be a sticker that would probably fall off after about two seconds of riding around in my purse. My mom insisted their legitimacy and showed us her collection of patches on almost every appliance in her home, talking about circuitry, filters, and reduced sperm count. After listening to all the horrors that will inevitably befall all cell phone users of the World we graciously declined such a gift and figured if 98% of the Earth was scheduled to die from cell phone radiation we wanted to be a part of that. Our safe space patches now live in our junk drawer and seem to be working very well, indeed, keeping all the gamma rays away from our matchbooks, dog leashes, and random reciepts.
Needless to say, our radiation-addled bodies seem to be doing just fine.

No comments: