Friday, April 24, 2009


I have a difficult time saying, No.

There is a part of me that wants to help and sympathize and be the friend to her that I would want her to be to me. Except she is not that friend. I feel as though I am giving, giving, giving and she is gladly taking, taking, taking but there is no reciprocation. While it is true that relationships should not be based on keeping tabs of what I have done for her and what she hasn't done for me I am beginning to realize that it is not in my best interest to invest so wholeheartedly in this sour association. Relationships are two way streets and for the longest time I've been getting lost on the same single lane round-about. I can't say this without a huge part of me feeling like a complete asshole while a tiny part insists it is essential. Is self-preservation such a narcissistic character flaw?

I don't know how or when that line got so blurred.

There is no trust in this relationship, only anxiety, hurt, and resentment. It's as if I were swimming in a sea surrounded by open air and opportunity but there is a weaker, more vulnerable swimmer that has been beside me my entire life. Holding me back. She insists she cannot swim without me, that she will sink like a stone if I leave her, and in complete desperation she has stopped swimming and grabbed me, forcing me down, struggling to keep her own head above water.

What she doesn't realize is I AM DROWNING.

Never has it been more clear to me what I must do, just as you would amputate an infected limb, I must end this relationship. I must swim as fast, and as hard, as I can to get away from her. Only then will she see that if she just stops fighting she will float, that she has always had what she needed to survive and swim gracefully with the current. And in doing so we will both be free.


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